Sweeney Todd Hosting A Children's Show
by InsaneObsessions
Summary: I don't know how I thought of this,but I just did. Plot in the title, lol. Todd and Lovett thrust into a children's show...great.:D Feel free to review and tell me what you think. I do not own Sweeney Todd!
1. Chapter 1

Sweeney Todd was awoken by Mrs. Lovett's frantic voice screaming his name.

"Mr. T! Mr. T!" she yelled at him, hitting him lightly on the arm. "Wake up!"

Sweeney grunted in reply.

"Ow!" he exclaimed, as he had just received a sharp blow to the head by Mrs. Lovett. "What was that for?" he demanded.

"Sorry, but I have no idea where we are! I just woke up next to you in this dark place!"

Sweeney noticed that he was lying on the ground and all he could see was pitch black.

Suddenly, a light flared up ahead. It was then he could see that he seemed to be in what looked like the set of a children's show. Mrs. Lovett looked at Sweeney and started laughing.

"What?" he asked. "Do I have something on me?"

"Your hair…" she said breathlessly.

"What about my hair?" he asked, frowning.

"It's so…screwed up!"

Sweeney looked around and saw a mirror in the corner of the room. It was true, his mop of black he calls hair was even messier than usual. He blushed through his pale skin. Then, he pulled out a comb and ran it through the white streak in his hair, then through the rest of his hair. He smiled at Mrs. Lovett triumphantly.

"Now YOUR hair looks horrible compared to mine,"

Then, a man comes running at Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett.

"Who are you?" they ask.

"I'm the director? Obviously. Okay, we're going to start filming in a few seconds." The man says.

"Filming what?" Mrs. Lovett asks, looking horrified.

"The children's show? Playhouse? Geez, guys, what's gotten into you?" the man runs back over to a chair and a man points a camera at Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett.

"In 3, 2, 1…Action!"

Next chapter will be up soon, the actual filming. :D Don't ask me how I thought of this, because I don't know. This is just the first chapter so please review and criticize!


	2. Chapter 2

"And…"

"No! Wait!" Mrs. Lovett shrieked.

"What?" the director yelled.

"Um, a few questions. What's your name?"

"Eric." The director said.

"How did we end up here?" Sweeney demanded furiously.

"Well, you see, Sweeney. I know who you are." Eric said with a devilish smile. "Or do you prefer Benjamin?"

Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett gasped.

"How do you know?" Mrs. Lovett asked, her heart beginning to pound in her chest.

"Oh, I know about you too, Nellie. I know a lot of things. I know what you do for a living. And if you don't run this children's show properly, neither of you will be making any more people-pies." Eric smiled creepily at them both.

"Oh…Well, um, will the show be live?" Mrs. Lovett asked in what she thought was a 'casual' tone.

"That it will be, dear Nellie. And you will run it like a real children's show. Because that's what it is. It will be broadcasted to children all over the world. Okay?"

Mrs. Lovett and Mr. Todd nodded nervously.

"Alright. In 3, 2, 1, ACTION!

The camera pointed towards Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett.

"Er, hey kids! My name is Nellie!" Mrs. Lovett said in a fake happy voice. She nudged Sweeney.

"Wha- oh! My name is Sweeney…" Mr. Todd mumbled.

"How about we learn to spell each other's names?" Nellie 'asked' Sweeney.

"Oh, um, sure." Sweeney replied.

"Okay, for my name, you start with N, then E, then, L and L! Then I and the E and there you have it! NELLIE!" Mrs. Lovett smiled big at the camera. "What about you, Sweeney?"

"Oh, er, first comes the S, then W, then, double E, N, E, Y… Sweeney!" Mr. Todd said, going red.

"Okay! First on the show, we're going to talk about JOBS!" Nellie said, thinking of what they should do in her head desperately. "I am a baker! I make pies! Have you ever had a pie? They're yummy-yummy! Bakers also make breads and pastries and all sorts of scrumptious things!" she explained. "Now, what is your job, Mr- I mean, Sweeney?"

"Oh, I'm a barber. Like a male hairdresser. I give shaves and haircuts, you know?" Mr. T said, blushing harder.

"That sounds fun! Now, tell me, what do you shave people with?" asked Nellie, praying to herself that his razors don't have blood stains on them.

"Oh, I use these." Sweeney pulls out a razor and holds it up. "You have to be very careful when you use these, kids!"

Nellie smiled. Sweeney was getting the hang of this, even though he hated it.

"Now, what do you use, Nellie?" he asked Mrs. Lovett. She held up a rolling pin.

"Well, I use a lot of different things at my job! But the main thing I use is this, my rolling pin! I roll the dough with this, then I mould the pies, then put them in the oven! Then, I serve them to my customers. The good thing is, Sweeney and I share a building. His barber shop is upstairs and my pie shop is downstairs! Isn't that nifty! Gentlemen can eat a pie, then go up for a shave!"

"Why yes, that does sound excellent, Nellie!" said Sweeney with a forced smile.

He then noticed Eric holding up a sign behind the camera saying "ANNOUNCE A COMMERCIAL!"

"Anyway, kids, how about we go to commercials, then when we come back, we'll have a special treat for you kiddies at home!" Sweeney announced.

"Good idea, Sweeney! See you soon, kids!" Nellie and Sweeney waved at the camera, both feeling stupid. The cameraman turned the camera off and Mr. T and Mrs. Lovett walked over to Eric.

"What are we meant to do after the commercial?" Mrs. Lovett asked. Eric pointed to a dollhouse in the middle of the room.

"Play dolls," he said with an evil grin.

Sweeney stood with his mouth wide open, horrified.

"D-dolls?" he uttered. "Oh, God."

So that was Chapter 2. I'm having fun writing this, it's amusing. What will happen next chapter? Will poor Sweeney go through with it? Feel free to review and criticize as you wish.


	3. Chapter 3

Eric nodded, looking triumphant.

"You heard me," he said.

Sweeney was still standing there, horrified. He hadn't even joined in when Lucy was playing dolls with Johanna many years ago. Too humiliating. Even more humiliating now! He looked at Mrs. Lovett, his mouth this open in horror. She smiled at him.

"Why not?" she said.

Sweeney's hands began to twitch towards his razor. He looked at Eric, his eyes full of hate.

"You're sick," he growled angrily. This just made Eric smile even more.

Sweeney grabbed his razor out of his pocket thingy on his pants and in and instant held it to Eric's neck. He was going to slit that stupid smile right of his face. But Eric didn't even flinch.

"Uh, uh, uh!" he said, waggling a finger. "If you kill me, my crew will tell everyone your secret." Eric said, looking at his crew, who nodded.

With a groan of despair and frustration, Sweeney put his razor back. He couldn't kill everyone here at a time. One was sure to get away.

"Come now, Mr. T, the commercial break will be over in a sixty seconds." Eric said, still smiling like an idiot.

"Come on, love," said Mrs. Lovett, gently taking Sweeney's arm and leading him back to centre-stage.

"Okay, thirty seconds left guys!" Eric announced. Everyone got in place. The irritating director began to count down. Sweeney closed his eyes momentarily, trying to connect with his 'fun' side.

"Better open your eyes, Mr. Todd, ten seconds left."

Sweeney's eyes snapped open and he and Mrs. Lovett looked at the camera, forced smiles glued on their faces.

"In 3, 2, 1, ACTION!"

"Hey kids!" cried Mrs. Lovett. "Welcome back to Playhouse! I hope you guys had a healthy little stretch while we were gone," she grinned big at the camera.

"So, now that we're back from the commercial, um…" Nellie looked at Sweeney, pleading for help.

"Now, kids! I bet most of you guys have a dollhouse at home, right? Well, we have one here!" Sweeney announced grandly. He gestured to the dollhouse in behind them.

"Right, Sweeney!" Nellie chimed in. "Well, today we're going to teach you how to turn an ordinary dollhouse into an exciting realistic house!"

"Do you ever find yourself wondering what to do in your dollhouse or what scenario you should put your dolls in?" Sweeney continued.

"Well, we have the solution!" said Nellie and she and Sweeney crouched down beside the little house.

"First, you need to think of names for your dolls. We have parents and a little girl here. Sweeney, what should we name them?" Nellie asked.

"Make the man Benjamin, the woman Lucy and the child Johanna," Sweeney said in a demanding tone. Nellie saw his eyes soften slightly.

"Okay, Benjamin, Lucy and Johanna! Those are all nice names. What's next, Sweeney?" she turned to Mr. Todd.

"Well, I can think of a pretty good scenario now. Firstly, Lucy is very beautiful. So is Johanna. But Benjamin is…naïve. Then, this other man sends Benjamin to jail for a false charge. And the family is broken up. Lucy is helpless and lost. Benjamin is sent away and Lucy is left with Johanna, whom she takes care of." Sweeney recited. Nellie's eyes opened wide.

"And, um, then Benjamin comes back and they reunite and they're a family again, right?" she said quickly.

Sweeney nodded.

So they 're-enacted' this with the dolls.

"'Oh, Lucy, I love you so much'" Sweeney said in a high-pitched voice when Benjamin and Lucy got back together again.

"'I love you too, Benjamin,'" Mrs. Lovett made the Lucy doll reply.

Sweeney grabbed the dolls and made them kiss furiously.

"Er…" Mrs. Lovett watched, freaked out. She looks up at Eric, who's desperately holding up the 'go to commercial' sign. Mrs. Lovett gets up, leaving Sweeney sitting there, banging the dolls together passionately.

"Anyway, kids, we better have another commercial break, so stay with us and we'll see you again very soon!" she said. The camera man turned the camera off. Nellie turned to Sweeney who is fumbling with the doll's clothes in a terrible effort to take them off.

"Sweeney?" she said. He looked up at her questioningly, still ripping the doll's clothes off. "You can stop that now, love." She reached down to take the dolls off him.

"No!" he cried and turned around and threw the doll clothes on the floor angrily. Mrs. Lovett turned around too, not wanting to see any more.

"Eric, he's gone bonkers." Nellie muttered to the director.

"Oh, he'll be fine in a minute. Listen, after the commercial I want you guys to teach the kids how to exercise properly, like to jumps and stuff like that, okay?"

Mrs. Lovett nodded then turned back around to Sweeney, who'd given up and was sitting in the corner with his arms folded across his chest huffily.

So this is Chapter 3 of Sweeney Todd Hosting A Children's show. I couldn't stop laughing while writing this fic, it was too funny. Hope you enjoyed it and please review and comment. (By the way, this is just stupid and for fun, and I'm serious that they do things like this on the children's shows that I used to watch when I was little. You know, play with dolls and stuff, so I thought I'd mix it up a bit. After the next chapter which will be exercising, I'm thinking they could do a 'STORYTIME' thing :D What do you think? Sweeney and Nellie telling or reading a story? Tell me what you think of this in your reviews and if yes, should it be read from a book or should they tell the story?) Thanks for reading and supporting. :)


	4. Chapter 4

"Mr. T…" said Nellie gently, sitting down next to Sweeney.

"What?" he mumbled.

"You okay, love?"

Sweeney shook his head sadly.

"What's the matter?" Nellie asked. Sweeney pointed to the Lucy doll.

"Lucy…" he wailed.

"There, there…" Nellie said in what she thought was a comforting tone, patting Sweeney on the back.

"Um, they want us to do story time in a little bit. But first they said to like, teach the kids how to exercise at home and stuff." Nellie said, trying to change the subject.

"Story time?" Sweeney's eyes lit up. "I like stories."

"That's good, love, 'cause we'll be doing it soon."

"No!" cried Sweeney. "I want to do it after THIS commercial break!"

"Okay, love, I'll go tell them." Nellie got up and told Eric what Mr. Todd wanted.

"Fine…" said Eric. "Read this,"

Eric handed Nellie a Dr. Seuss book.

"Green Eggs and Ham…" she said, reading the cover.

"Okay guys, 60 seconds 'til we're live again!" yelled one of the crew members.

Sweeney jumped up and quickly went over to Mrs. Lovett.

"What book are we reading?" he asked excitedly. She handed him Green Eggs and Ham.

"What kind of book is this?" he complained. Nellie slapped his shoulder.

"Ow!" he cried.

"Stop complaining, come on, we're starting." Mrs. Lovett led Sweeney to the middle of the room, in front of the camera.

"In 3, 2, 1, ACTION!"

"Hey kids, and welcome back! Alright, now we're going to read you guys a story!" Nellie said in a fake excited voice.

Mr. Todd and Nellie sat down on two little chairs.

"Why are we sitting on toddler chairs?" Sweeney muttered to Mrs. Lovett. She elbowed him angrily.

"Okay, today we'll be reading Green Eggs and Ham!" Nellie announced brightly.

"I am Sam, Sam I am," Nellie began. "That Sam I Am, that Sam I Am! I do not like that Sam I Am!" she handed the book to Sweeney, who continued.

"Do you like green eggs and ham?"

They both read on for a few pages, when Nellie threw the book down.

"This is the stupidest story I've ever heard of! What the bloody hell is green eggs and ham? Why does Sam keep asking where we would like to eat it?"

"I agree," said Sweeney. "I know! Let's tell a story."

"Alright, Sweeney. Why don't you start?" Nellie suggested.

"Okay. Well, there is this street called Fleet Street in London. And one day a strange man came to the old barber shop in Fleet Street. Now, below the barber shop is a pie shop. The man's name is Anthony and the woman who owns the pie shop's name is Mrs. Mooney. Anthony asks Mrs. Mooney if he can work in the old barber shop, as it is abandoned. So Mrs. Mooney lets him and they run a business together. But they have a secret,"

"And, um, what secret is that, Sweeney?" Nellie asked nervously.

"Well, you should know." Sweeney said, a mischievous glint in his eye.

"Um, does Anthony love Mrs. Mooney?" Nellie asked, her heart beating. _Please don't tell the truth, Sweeney_…she thought.

Mr. Todd's eyes bulged wide for a second, and he seemed to switch back to reality.

"Um, yes! That's their secret, Nellie!" he said, covering up his strangeness.

"And they lived happily ever after, right?" Nellie continued.

"Right." Sweeney answered. Then he noticed Eric holding up the sign again.

"But it's time for another commercial break, kids! We'll see you soon!" he said, waving goofily at the camera. Nellie joined in, then the camera man turned the camera off.

"Well done, guys." Eric said loudly.

So that's Chapter Four of Sweeney Todd on a Children's Show. I put all your ideas smashed into one. XD I hope you liked it and what should Mrs. Lovett and Mr. Todd do in the next chapter? I need ideas, lol. Thanks for supporting and being so awesome.


	5. Chapter 5

"Alright, guys, we're going to have a guest on the show now. Two guests, actually." Eric said to Mr. Todd and Mrs. Lovett.

"Who?" asked Sweeney, his eyes widening. Mrs. Lovett knew he was thinking of Lucy.

"Boys, come out!" Eric called to someone way behind him. Nellie and Sweeney squinted, trying to see who it was as two figures walked towards them. Then, they realized who it was.

"Pirelli…" Nellie uttered.

"Turpin." Sweeney growled.

Nellie looked nervously at Sweeney. It was obvious that this was Eric's idea of torture. How could Sweeney capture the self-control not to kill the man who had ruined his life?

But why was Pirelli there? At once she realized. She'd despised Pirelli ever since she saw him mistreat that poor boy in town.

"Mr. Todd?" Judge Turpin asked. Sweeney continued to glare.

"Bon journio." Pirelli greeted.

"Sweeney, Nellie, meet your two guests." Eric said with an evil grin.

"So, what will we be doing after the break?" Judge Turpin asked, obviously getting a bit freaked out by Sweeney's glaring.

"Well, you guys are going to be the special guests. Right, after the break, it's going to be teaching kids how to exercise properly at home, okay? Then you guys can go home." Eric explained. Sweeney struggled to hold in a groan of dismay. Eric then turned to him and Nellie.

"Then, to wrap up the show, you two will sing a song."

Nellie's eyes bulged. She didn't know very many songs! Well, not ones that kids would be interested in. She wasn't sure that little children would be very excited about the Worst Pies in London. She looked at Sweeney. She didn't expect he'd know any, either.

"Okay…" she said slowly.

"Alright guys, we're starting in 30!" yelled a crew member?

"30 what?" Sweeney blurted out.

"30 seconds, you idiot. 20, seconds now."

So Nellie, Pirelli, Turpin and Sweeney walked over to centre stage.

"Alright, in 3…2…1!"

"Hey kids! We're back!" Nellie smiled into the camera. "And we have two very special guests with us! This is Signor Pirelli and Judge Turpin!"

"Bon Journio." Said Pirelli.

"Hello,"

"Signor Pirelli is Italian and Judge Turpin is a judge in the high court." Sweeney improvised. "Pire- I mean, Signor, what do you do for a living?"

"I'm-a da King of da Barbers!"

Sweeney's dark eyes seemed to burn with anger.

"I'm the king of the bloody barbers!" he clasped his hand around his razor. Nellie hit him on the shoulder.

"Ow!"

"So, um, cool! You're a barber too, Signor?"

"Yes. And I even have some hair product here!"

Pirelli holds up a bottle of Pirelli's Miracle Elixir. Sweeney grabbed it from him.

"Oh, still selling the piss?" he asked.

Nellie's heart began to pound when she saw Eric's angry expression.

"Um, piss is another word for hair product!" she said nervously, stepping on Sweeney's foot.

"Oh, um, yeah. It is." Sweeney agreed. He gave Pirelli back his Elixir.

"Anyway…we all know the importance of exercise, right?" Judge Turpin chimed in.

"Yes, exercise is very important." Nellie said, nodding.

"But unfortunately, not enough children know HOW to exercise!" Sweeney joined in.

"So today, we're going to show everyone at home how to do it properly!" Pirelli announced.

"That's what she-" Sweeney started to say, but Nellie cut him off.

"OKAY! So, we're going to start off…with…um…starjumps!" Judge Turpin said, frowning at Sweeney.

So the tense four began to make up ridiculous ways to exercise.

"And now, this is what I like to call the…um…razor slash!"

"And this is the oven-open!"

"And the 'court is adjourned!'"

"Here's the Elixir-making!"

They were really getting into it when Eric held up the sign.

"Anyway, that's all we have time for, kids! Hope we showed you that you can exercise but have fun with it! After the break, to finish off the show, Sweeney and I will sing a song to you guys!" Nellie announced.

"Good job, guys! Pirelli, Turpin, you can go home."

So that's Chapter 5. :D Hope you enjoyed it. I'm taking song suggestions, but if I get no suggestions, I DO have a song in mind. Thanks for supporting, guys. :) And sorry for the delay, ha.


	6. Chapter 6

DISCLAIMER: I OWN NONE OF THE SONGS USED IN THIS!

"Bloody hell, Mr. T. What are we going to sing?" Nellie was pacing in front of Sweeney, who was sitting in the corner of the studio.

"Epiphany." He answered.

"NO! Sweeney, don't be absurd." She shook her head disapprovingly at him. He shrugged and played with a loose string on his glove. Suddenly, a smile crossed Nellie's face.

"How about…By the Sea?" she suggested.

"Why?" Sweeney wailed. By the Sea was by far one of his least favorite songs.

"Oh, I don't know. It's better than singing about slitting throats." She pointed out.

"But I just thought of a song!" he complained.

"What song?"

"Oh, um…you wouldn't have heard of it." He answered. Nellie rolled her eyes.

"It better not be about killing." She warned.

"It's not. At least, not all of it…" he added silently to himself.

Nellie raised an eyebrow.

"You sure?" she asked.

"Yes."

"Fine. We'll do both. But before we do those songs, I've got another idea for a song." Nellie said, fighting a grin.

"What?" Sweeney asked his eyes narrowed. _Probably__something__like__You__Belong__With__Me_ he thought.

"Surprise." Nellie answered simply. Now it was Sweeney's turn to roll his eyes.

"What are you, 5?" he said.

"Oi, you were the one acting like a child before. And anyway, you know what they say. The best kind of prize is a SURprise! Hahaha!"

"Who says that?" Sweeney asked.

"I don't remember. Some candy guy. But it doesn't matter."

"Whatever."

"OKAY GUYS!" a crew member yelled. "GET READY, WE'RE LIVE IN 20 SECONDS!"

So Sweeney got up and followed Nellie to center stage.

"Can't you please tell me the name of the surprise song?" Sweeney pleaded.

"Nope!" Nellie said, grinning. Sweeney glared.

"Okay, in 3…2…1…action!"

"Hey kids!" Nellie greeted. "So, I'm very sorry to say that the show is going to have to come to a close soon. But to say goodbye, Sweeney and I are going to sing a song! A few songs, actually!"

She looked at Sweeney expectantly.

"Oh, um…yeah! Great…" he said awkwardly.

"Okay, I'll start." Nellie grinned. Sweeney raised an eyebrow.

"I love you," she sang. Sweeney's eyes went wide. What the hell was this song?

"You love me," she continued.

_Uh,__no__I__don__'__t!_ Sweeney thought.

"We're a happy family!"

He now recognized the song. He fought back a smirk.

"With a great big hug," he joined in.

"And a kiss from me to you! Won't you say you love me too?"

Sweeney reached over and took Nellie's hand. She gasped in surprise at Sweeney's cold touch, but started smiling.

"I love you, you love me,"

"We're best friends like friends should be,"

"With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you!"

"Won't you say you love me too?"

The song ended and Sweeney realized what he had just done. He jumped away from Nellie and brushed his hand off (quite immaturely). Nellie rolled her eyes.

"My turn," Sweeney said.

"Alright…" Nellie nodded nervously.

"An apple pie, a bright blue sky, a breezy meadow in July, an ice-cream bar, a shooting star, the sound of a steel guitar." Sweeney sang.

"That is wonderful!" Nellie joined in, relieved.

"I love the sound of rain, wearing a hat and cane, Tiffany window panes, lovely to see! Frost on a windowsill, the feel of a dollar bill! Vacations in Brazil fill me with glee!" Sweeney continued.

"These are all the little things that make me smile, these are all the little things that make life worthwhile, everybody knows the holocaust was a lie, so let's sing about the things we like and don't be shy!"

"Wait, what was that about the holocaust?" Nellie asked, anxious. Eric looked pretty angry at this.

"A strip of lace, a pretty face, eugenics really makes the case, counting sheep, and froggy leaps, touching Nellie inappropriately while she sleeps."

"Hey!"

Eric looked like he was going to explode and Nellie knew what was coming next, so she jumped in front of Sweeney.

"Thank you, Sweeney!" she interrupted. "That was…lovely!"

"So, er, anyway, that's all we have time for!" Nellie looked back at Sweeney, who was fuming mad at Nellie for stopping his song. "Bye kids, see you next time!"

The camera went off and Nellie ran over to Eric.

"Will you let us go now?" she demanded.

"ZING!" Eric said loudly. "You've just be PUNKED!"

A bunch of men with cameras appeared and a guy came out of the dark area behind Eric. He held a microphone in front of Nellie and Sweeney.

"Mr. Todd, Mrs. Lovett, you have in fact been punked. This was all for a TV show where we trick gullible people like you two! Anything you'd like to say?" the stranger said.

Sweeney looked at Nellie and she looked at him. Then, without a word, they both ran out through a door in the corner.

So, that was Chapter 6! Should I add a new chapter or just leave it? Sweeney's song was Makes Me Smile by Jason Steele and Nellie's song was I Love You aka the Barney song. I own neither of the songs or the lyrics or anything. Hope you enjoyed. :D


	7. NOTE ABOUT THIS FIC! PLEASE READ!

Hello, everyone! Logan aka InsaneObsessions here. Now I realize that I haven't been updating very frequently, and that's because I have NO INSPIRATION. I feel horrible saying that, it's like I'm not a good writer anymore. But I have an idea. I really want to continue this fanfiction, I don't just want to leave it hanging there. So here's what I'm going to do.

Review and tell me how you think I should continue it. I might use only one person's idea, or I might use all of your ideas in one if possible.

I'm so sorry I haven't updated in a while, but I promise to update soon on my other fanfics such as Sweeney Todd Chatroom, Living By The Sea, Sweeney Goes To A Palm Reader and finally Sweeney Todd Parody.

If you guys help me with this fic, it'll make me so happy. :D It will make my birthday, which is coming up soon.

Oh, and also I haven't been replying to you guys's reviews lately, so from now on I'll reply to any review I will get. Thank you guys! xxx


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